It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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