It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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