dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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