1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Randomize
