never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
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Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
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I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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