Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
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Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
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i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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