I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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