i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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