I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
