I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
