we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
