just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
