I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
