I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
