gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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