Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
