Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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