You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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