Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
and she was petting her beer can
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
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