Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
