the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
