If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
