and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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