Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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