How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
