Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She's the barista slut.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
