how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
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In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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