Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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