it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
