nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
