when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
