R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
