You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
