can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
