Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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