a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
