woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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