you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
