i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
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I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
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But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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