Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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