she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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