Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
