You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
