I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
