she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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