High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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