Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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