Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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