I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
