i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
