I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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