she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize