The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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