shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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