the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
